'Cats,' I Have Questions

That way madness lies; let me shun that. No more of that.

I spent the entire screening of Cats with my brows furrowed, though for different reasons. Sometimes it was because I couldn't believe what I was seeing. At other times it was because I really didn't understand what the hell was going on. But most of the time it was just because I had so many questions.

I'll skip the obvious first question, which is just an incredulous "Why??" because I know the answer. It's the pervasive idea that anything popular that isn't a movie has to be turned into one. I believe Cats may be definitive proof that this should not always be the case.

I haven't seen a staged production, so I can't make comparisons. But I have seen the costuming--I think most people at this point are at least vaguely familiar with it, since the show ran on Broadway for decades--so I can at least compare the presentation of the cats in both, and let's just say one is a campy interpretation of feline physicality, and the other is the kind of thing you might see if you were having both a bad acid trip and a nightmare at the same time.

So that leads to another question: How could anyone think that was OK? The actors in the stage version don't really look like cats because realism isn't the goal; it's campy entertainment. But the cats in the movie don't look like cats either, yet it's pretty obvious a lot of time was spent on making their fur look real, even if nothing else about the cats does. They aren't shaped like cats! They're either painfully skinny (even the well-kept cats), or ridiculously fat (for "comedic" sake and the comedy that never materializes, despite those fat cats being played by Rebel Wilson and James Corden).

I also have absolutely no idea what size the cats are supposed to be. Sometimes they're seen on top of statues looking human sized, and at other times, they're wearing human wedding rings around their wrists. (I challenge you to fit a ring around a cat's paw. I'll wait.) Mice (with human faces!) are as tiny as mice would be next to an adult human, and cockroaches (also with human faces!!) are as big as mice. IT'S MADNESS.

What did the cast think they were getting into? Was there ever a point where they saw some digital mock-ups of their characters and thought "I've made a huge mistake"? I literally gasped in shock when the first cat appeared on screen, I can't imagine the reaction I'd have if it were my face on one of those freakish felines.

But enough about the cats, how's the music, you may be wondering. Fine? I guess? The quintessential 80's synthesizers remain, as does the inherent silliness of the songs. It's a musical where most exposition is given via song, and I'm not going to rehash the minute details of the plot, because I only half understood it. I think it involves the Jellicle cats (I don't know what that is), meeting for the once yearly Jellicle ball (which is maybe part talent show?), so that Old Deuteronomy (Dame Judi Dench!) can select the cat who will descend to the Heavyside Layer (which is maybe cat heaven, or maybe reincarnation, but apparently you get there via hot air balloon and chandelier). There's also a villain in the form of "Macavity" (Idris Elba! What are you doing?!) who can transport cats to a barge in the Thames, which seems like a pretty amazing talent for a cat to have, but for some reason he'd prefer to die go to the Heavy Side Layer? Or something?

Cats is a physical musical, with lots of dancing, and indeed there is a lot of dancing in the movie. Francesa Hayward, the newcomer playing the kitten Victoria, is actually a ballet dancer with the Royal Ballet. But there is so much digital manipulation going on with every performer in the film, you have no idea if the dancing you're watching is real, or digitally enhanced. Director Tom Hooper's insistence on cutting every two second doesn't help matters. (Which made me wonder if his maniacal editing choices are centered on a desire to never let the camera linger too long on the cats, because therein lies insanity.)

There is only one memorable song in the musical, despite Taylor Swifts attempts to usurp it with her addition, "Beautiful Ghosts," which is actually performed by the film's ingenue. Instead, Taylor Swift, as the only cat with both visible boobs and an hourglass figure, performs "Macavity: The Mystery Cat" with a bad British accent.

The good song is, of course, "Memory," sung by the aging, ostracized and bedraggled Grizabella the Glamor Cat, here played by Jennifer Hudson. This is the musical's showstopping number, and Hudson definitely has the chops for it. And yet...her vocals during the song are muddled, with lyrics hard to decipher at times. Her performance is definitely an emotional one, with lots of tears, but also lots of mucus, which lingers on her upper lip for the majority the song. They gave her digital whiskers, could they not digitally erase the snot? Or at least let her wipe her nose?

By the time Old Deuteronomy is addressing the audience, telling us "cats are not dogs" (!) I just had to put my face in my hands and close my eyes. At that point, the unintentional laughter in the audience had reached its peek, but I commend them for their restraint through most of it. (Judi Dench's introduction seemed to illicit the most chuckles).

This summer, while on vacation, I watched the trailer that shocked a nation, and I've joked that watching it almost ruined my trip. Now it's Christmas, but I'm not going to let Cats ruin that. The dread arrival is over. Cats is here, and now we can ignore it, and go back to living in a world where cats, while not dogs, are also not freaks.