Watching Someone Else Play "Rock Band" For Two Hours: Rock of Ages

This review originally appeared on the San Francisco Appeal.

Frankly, I didn't know what to think of Rock of Ages going into it. Before it even began, I was pondering who would actually want to see a movie like it, but then reminded myself that "Glee" is still on the air, and karaoke bars are still a thing, so clearly there is an audience out there who enjoys watching people perform mediocre cover versions of popular rock and pop songs.

And that's not a pleasure I'd begrudge anybody. One of my favorite barroom moments was when "Don't Stop Believin'" came on the jukebox, and my table began to sing along, and then the table next to us joined in, and eventually the entire bar was belting it out, too. And I swear that was before the song had so thoroughly jumped the shark. (And indeed, it's the closing anthem of Rock of Ages, and if that fact doesn't put the final nail in that song's coffin, I don't know what will.)

But moments like that--and even sitting at home singing along with "Glee," I would imagine--are filled with participatory joy. There's no arguing Rock of Ages is dumb. Really dumb. But this is a dumbness that can be excused when displayed in a live musical production where people are encouraged to whoop along and applaud after every ridiculous song and dance number. I can see getting into a "Sing-Along" presentation of the movie version, where all the stupid dialogue would be drowned out by post-performance audience chatter, but as it stands now, Rock of Ages is about as entertaining as watching someone else play "Rock Band" for two hours.

No scratch that. It's more like watching someone play "Rock Band," and then in between songs, he blathers on about his boring love life, and how all he wants is to be a real rock star, and did you hear they might shut down that awesome club on Sunset?

The movie's plot differs in many ways from the original musical's. Gone are a pair of German land developers (?!), who want to shut down the "Bourbon Room" on the Sunset Strip, replaced by a mayor (Bryan Cranston) and his Tipper Gore-esque, rock-and-roll-hating wife Regina (Catherine Zeta-Jones).

That role, incidentally, was actually PRO-rock in the musical, which is just one instance of the film's often oddly sexist characterizations, especially when we learn Regina has some "slutty" history in her past. This change is also significant because it just adds one more cliche to a movie overflowing with them.

There are a LOT of stories going on in Rock of Ages, and not one of them hasn't been seen somewhere else before. To wit:

In 1987, a Smalltown Girl (Julianne Hough) ventures to Hollywood to become a star, is immediately mugged, and...

Meets an Aspiring Musician (Diego Boneta) who helps her get at job at the Famous Rock Club where he works as a bar back, which is...

Owned by an Aging Rocker (Alec Baldwin) who is struggling to keep his club open in the face of unpaid taxes and...

A Conservative Mayor and his Tipper Gore-Esque Wife who wants to Shut Down the Evil Club, especially after she learns that...

An ultra-famous, but on the verge of burning out-Rock Star (Tom Cruise) is set to play the club, the final gig with his band, as he's about to venture on to a solo career at the urging of...

His Sleazy Manager (Paul Giamatti) who's only in it for the money, and, after bilking the club out of its concert earnings, sees potential in that Aspiring Musician after he...

Gets his big break by filling in for the opening band on Big Show Night, a high which is marred when he thinks he sees his Smalltown Girl in a post-coital embrace with the Rock Star...

Who was actually getting it on with a Music Journalist (Malin Ackerman) who aims to take him down in a Rolling Stone article, but totally falls for him instead...

Meanwhile, Smalltown Girl, after fighting with Aspiring Musician, quits her job, scrambles for money, and is in dire straits when she meets...

A Cynical But Big-Hearted Strip Club Owner (Mary J. Blige) who gives her a job, thus forcing Smalltown Girl to abandon her dreams while...

Aspiring Musician thinks he is fulfilling his, only to learn Sleazy Manager wants him to totally sell out and become the lead in a boy band, and open for...

Big Rock Star's solo show at the Famous Rock Club, an event that is being heavily picketed by...

Tipper-Gore-esque Wife, who it is revealed has a secret past with...

I think you get the point. Or maybe you don't get why I'd be complaining about the lack of plot originality in a dumb musical. It's because it makes any moment when someone isn't singing a huge, colossal bore. There is nothing surprising going on in any non-musical moment, (and very few during the songs, too).

Add to these multiple recycled plot points the inclusion of such tired tropes as a romantic date at the Hollywood sign, a girl crying in the rain, a reluctant stripper slapping a patron, and a Rock Star with a pet baboon named Hey Man, (OK, I'll give it props for that one), and you've got a movie born for the DVD player's FF function. (Seriously. It's a little over two-hours long, but I swear it felt more like four.)

As for the cast, which is a very odd combination of a few nobodies and some big names, well, I guess they're doing the best they can. Alec Baldwin, who clearly knows the movie he's in is ridiculous, can't sing, and always looks like he wants to rip that long wig off his head the minute the director yells "Cut!". The two young leads are boring, and Hough got an unintentional laugh out of me when she opines that she's better at singing than dancing to her strip club boss, Mary J. Blige, (who, incidentally, is a better at singing than acting).

Tom Cruise acts with his torso, and sings fine, albeit with a surprisingly high-pitched voice. And really, if he wasn't in the movie, it would be unwatchable, as he provides the only genuine laughs in the film. (Most of the time. There are a few times where I don't think we're supposed to be laughing.)

But ultimately, the only musical moment I actually enjoyed came from Catherine Zeta Jones, and her performance of Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" in a church.

I will admit I'm not the biggest fan of musicals. Seeing people spontaneously burst into song in the middle of a dramatic moment will never not seem weird to me. But at least in "real" musicals, those songs grow organically from the plot. In "jukebox musicals," of which Rock of Ages may be the worst kind, the songs come first, and a story has to be contorted to fit those songs, sometimes painfully so, with no real regard to the pace of the film, and dramatic arcs. (No to mention we're mainly talking about hair metal here; that wasn't exactly the best thing to come out of the 1980s.)

Thus we're treated to endless mash-ups that have only vague lyrical or thematic similarities, (i.e. "We're Not Gonna Take It/We Built This City," or "Harden My Heart/Shadows of the Night"), and ridiculous plot developments like the Aspiring Musician composing "Don't Stop Believin'" for his girlfriend.

And to quote that song, hopefully for the last time ever, "Oh, the movie never ends/It goes on, and on, and on, and on..."

Poltergeist ²

As I mentioned previously, I went to see Poltergeist a lot in the summer of 1982. There were a number of reasons for that, the first one being, I just loved the movie. That's probably the most important reason of all.

But it was also really easy to just go see it again and again. It was rated PG, so I could get in without a parent; the Northpoint was just one bus ride away (the 19 Polk) from where I lived; and school was out, most of my friends were away for the summer, and I was bored. It was better than sitting at home watching "The Brady Bunch" reruns all day, (which, don't get me wrong, I did a LOT).

One of the best things about the movie is the kids. Spielberg--aside from the travesty that was Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom--has a knack with child actors, and the kids in Poltergeist are cute without being cloying, especially the little girl...oh crap. What was her name in the movie again?



Right. Carol Anne!

But seriously, Heather O'Rourke really was a find; totally adorable, but also kind of spooky at times.



Sadly, she died young, and her death, combined with the murder of Dominique Dunne, (who played her teenage sister), and the subsequent deaths of some of the actors in the sequel, built up belief that there was some kind of "Poltergeist Curse" plaguing cast members. Except that, you know, two of those actors that died were already old or sick when they were cast in the sequel, so...

Perhaps the weirdest lingering effect of the early death of O'Rourke are the countless video tributes that you can find posted on YouTube today. Seriously, just search for "Heather O'Rourke tribute," and you've got yourself a day's worth of creepy entertainment.

I'll end this post with some more items from my Genre Book, this time just a couple of newspaper ads...

The Road Warrior

As I've mentioned before, in looking back my 1982 movie experiences, sometimes I have no idea where I actually saw a movie, and other times, the memory is so clear, it's like I went last week. For The Road Warrior, it's like the latter, as I instantly remembered that my parents and I went to see it on a Saturday at the Stonestown Twin.

How come it's always the crappy theaters that are still around? Indeed, the Stonestown is still around, although these days it shows mainly indie and foreign films. But, come to think of it, The Road Warrior is technically a foreign film, isn't it?

So, at the time, I had not seen the first movie, Mad Max, though I did know of its existence and was aware that Road Warrior was kind of a sequel, but kind of not, which is to say, you really didn't need to see that first one to get any enjoyment from its follow-up. (And in fact, I've only seen parts of Mad Max since, and only the badly-dubbed version that was forced upon American audiences for years.)

And enjoy The Road Warrior I did. I mean, come on. The movie is nuts.



In re-watching it now, its flaws show through a little stronger. The car chases and crashes are certainly still spectacular, but the movie is pretty low budget, so director George Miller relies on speeding up the film a lot of times, (especially whenever "nitro" is engaged), and there's also some weird reverse motion stuff here and there. Also, the autogyro moments are pretty lame. While I'm definitely a proponent for using traditional effects when possible, there were many moments in watching it again when I wished CG had been in use way back then.

It's also kind of sad watching it now, knowing the trajectory Mel Gibson would eventually follow. He's definitely amazing in the movie, and man, was he a handsome mofo. But I have to admit I'm not that upset that he's not the star of the latest Mad Max movie that will be coming our way...

There are a few things in my Genre Book to include here. The first is an ad that includes a blurb from Herb Caen, who wasn't a movie critic, but had enough local name recognition as a columnist that I guess he had some influence when it came to such matters...

And here are few capsule reviews, from the Examiner, the East Bay Express, and the Chronicle.

Diner ²

I have no memory of going to see Diner for a second time in a theater back in 1982, but apparently I did. And this time I saw it at the Coronet. It makes sense, though, since I loved the movie right away, and loved that theater even more.

As I mentioned previously, there were two San Francisco theaters back in the 80's that one always hoped a movie would play in: The Northpoint and the Coronet. I've talked about the Northpoint in a few other posts, but I guess I didn't actually get to see a movie at the Coronet in 1982 until this second viewing of Diner on June 4th.

The Coronet was easily my favorite of the two big theaters, mainly because of all the great movie memories associated with it, including viewings of Bugsy Malone, Star Wars, Superman, Blade Runner, Return of the Jedi, Aliens, Batman, The Thin Red Line, and the Star Wars re-release. At almost all of those movies, we had to stand in line outside, usually for at least an hour, and I don't remember caring one bit about the wait; it was part of the fun. 

Damn, I loved that theater.

I said pretty much all I wanted to say about Diner in my previous post, so here's another clip. It's not the best scene in the movie, but unfortunately, there aren't a lot of clips available online. But it does have a stripper in it, so, there's that...

Poltergeist

On Wednesday, June 2nd, 1982, I went to a preview screening of Poltergeist. Preview screenings were always pretty exciting to me, and I got to go to a lot of them because my father worked for a company that did t-shirts and merchandising, and they would often get passes. When you're a kid, getting to see something before everyone else does feels great. This one was at the Northpoint Theater, and I think it was preceded by dinner across the street at Caesar's Restaurant. A fun night!

I'll just state this up front: I absolutely LOVED this movie. Adored. Which is why I ended up seeing it a total of SIX TIMES in the theater that year. Six times!!

I thought it was funny, and scary, and I loved the dynamic of the family, and it even made me cry a few times. (OK, a lot of times.) Yeah. I cried during Poltergeist. Puberty! It's a crazy thing.

Since I saw it so many times, (SIX!!) I'm going to save some of my thoughts on the movie for future posts about it. (SIX!) But I can say this: In rewatching it, I'm kind of amazed that I can still basically recite all the dialogue in it. It's embedded in my noggin.

And being that I loved the movie back then, I was compelled to write a review of it right away. It's really kind of, (OK, totally), embarrassing, but I'm just gonna suck it up and include it here for your amusement. (Click the image to magnify.)

In my review, I mention how there was a bit of controversy surrounding who actually directed the movie: Tobe Hooper, or producer Steven Spielberg. This was something I had read about in the Pink Section of the Chronicle, in the following article.

Back then, I didn't really give a crap, and really didn't understand who Tobe Hooper was, or the cache he had in the horror genre, as I had yet to see his The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Eventually I did, and could understand why there was serious doubt about him directing something as clichedly "Spielbergian" as Poltergeist. I'd like to think it was just a friendly collaboration, and the movie ended up with the best (and some of the worst) aspects of both the directors, (just watch the scene where the family is doing a patented "staring into the light" Spielberg moment, but what they're looking at is the complete destruction of their house; wonder and horror at the same time), but I have a feeling Spielberg probably did most of the heavy lifting...

I'll have more to say about just why I think I fell in love with the movie in some future posts, as well as some more newspaper clippings and articles...