Friday, August 10, 2018

'The Meg': OK, I'll Bite

"Pshaw. I thought you said this thing was big."

The Meg is a movie featuring Jason Statham fighting a giant, prehistoric shark called the megaladon. For some, that will be all the information you need to know you're going to stay far, far away. For others, like me, it's all you need to know to say, "Oh hell yes. I'm watching that."
 
That said, I did go into the movie with two pretty firm expectations. First, that Jason Statham would have to take his shirt off, and it being a movie set on the ocean, he be both wet and shirtless. Second, if he didn't at least try to punch the shark in the face at some point, I'd have to consider the film a complete failure.

It was with relief that I quickly learned that Statham hadn't been miscast as some kind of scientist, or a marine biologist. Instead, he's Jonas Taylor, a... guy who's good at rescuing people who are trapped in the ocean? I guess? The Meg opens with him and his team in the middle of such a rescue, trying to save a crew trapped in a sunken submarine. When he sees something huge start to crash into the side of the sub, Jonas makes the decision to leave a man behind in order to save his team and the rest of the crew, who ultimately don't believe his big fish story.

Years later, an underwater research facility called Mana One is exploring the Mariana trench, convinced it's deeper than previously thought. When a submersible breaks through the trench's cool, creamy, thermocline (delicious!) and is attacked by something huge, leaving them trapped, there's only one man who can help.

No, not Aquaman. Jonas Taylor.
 
Now, I'll admit, everything I know about deep sea exploration I learned from watching The Abyss, so I was under the impression that along with the dangers of underwater aliens, diving at those depths can be treacherous, with the need for slow decompression lest you risk the bends, or worse. But I guess Statham's character is special because all he needs to do is hold his nose, pop his ear drums, and he's good to go.

Like many a modern blockbusters, The Meg is a co-production between the U.S. and China. This is reflected in its easily translatable, and therefore often wooden dialogue ("That living fossil just killed my friend!"), and its casting, which includes Li Binbing as Suyin, an oceanographer, Winston Chao as her father, Dr. Zhang, and Shuya Sophia Cai as Meiying, Suyin's adorably precocious daughter. (The young actress's moments with Statham are surprisingly effective.)

The international cast also includes Masi Oka, Cliff Curtis, Page Kennedy, Ruby Rose, and Rainn Wilson as the token asshole billionaire funding the Mana One. Apart from that last one, The Meg isn't short on attractive cast members, including, yes, a wet and shirtless Statham (though, ironically it happens during a shower and not a diving scene).

Pretty people and a giant shark. What could go wrong? A PG-13 rating, that's what. The Meg is seriously lacking a commitment to going--pardon the pun--overboard. The death count, for a shark that could easily eat a bay full of swimmers in one gulp, is disappointingly slim, and the lack of cringe-inducing carnage means one's mind begins to wander.

I began to ponder why the shark was even bothering with these puny people when it had a whole ocean full of whales to snack on. Did it have some kind of grudge? The research center's deep dive into the trench is revealed to be the ultimate cause of the megaladon's escape to shallower waters, but we're also supposed to believe Jonas had a run-in with it years before, which, what? And also--

Hold up....is that Jason Statham, free diving, going mano on mano with that megaladon?

All is forgiven, The Meg. All is forgiven



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